Catholic Church Introduces Bench Just For Sinners
In an effort to reduce the number of sins committed by attending Catholics, local Church of Saint Teresa has introduced an all-new sinner’s bench to separate the sinners and non-sinners during its weekly mass.
Its purpose, said to overwhelm sinners with a sense of shame so hard to deter them from committing any future sins, has proved to be an effective measure so far.
“There was a time I would constantly practice safe sex with my girlfriend with the use of a condom,” said Damian Tan, a reformed sinner.
“Those days are over because when I get it on with my girlfriend now, I do it all natural – bare and naked in the presence of God himself,” he continued, adding that the young couple were expecting a new addition to the family in four months’ time since abortion was strictly out of the question.
The sinner’s bench is to be strategically located right at the back of the church by the exit and the table where pastries are set out for the congregation.
Church spokesman Francis Loy explained that the positioning of the sinner’s bench was strategically designed to remind sinners that they were least deserving of attending weekly mass and were just “one more sin out the door”.
“The sinner’s bench helps to remind sinners of their pathetic mistakes and impulses while at the same time humiliating them and setting an example to the rest of the congregation.”
“They don’t get to sin and confess and automatically be forgiven – that’s not the way the track to sainthood fucking works,” Loy clarified.
At press time, the sinner’s bench was said to be such a successful implementation that the Church was going to start making repeat sinners stand during weekly mass.
