Study: Star Wars Spoilers Almost As Harmful As Cancer
A new study from the NHA (National Health Association) has found that information revealing the plotlines and ending of the latest instalment in the Star Wars franchise were almost as harmful as cancer.
The study, spearheaded by head oncologist Dr. Huns Duo, found that many fans of the Star Wars films who were exposed to plotlines from The Force Awakens prior to watching the film showed various similar symptoms of a cancer patient such as unexplained weight loss and stomach indigestion.
“A 26-year-old test subject which we studied was found with blood in their pee and stool, just 48 hours after accidentally reading a spoiler from a random Facebook status update,” said Dr. Duo, adding that everyone has a right to enjoy a movie that was more than ten years in the making without being bedridden and undergoing chemotherapy.
“The best cure is prevention,” cautioned the concerned doctor, “Everybody must watch The Force Awakens as soon as they can, even if they don’t give a fuck about Darth Vader or Yoda.”
In a joint effort, the NHA is now looking into the matter of preventing further outbreaks with the MDA (Media Development Authority). The MDA’s solution to the problem was last heard to be its regular response of implementing fresh bans on IP addresses of spoiler-crazed netizens.
At press time, citizens have started an online petition for movie theatre operators Golden Village, Shaw Theatres and Cathay Cineplex to offer free screenings of The Force Awakens on an uninterrupted basis.
